“It’s like I’ve been sleepin’ for years”

July 2, 2005 at 9:47 pm 2 comments

To all you kind and supportive readers, I just want to say thank you so much for bearing with me! And…I’m ba-a-a-ack!

I apologize for the long absence. The two jobs I’ve been doing for a dozen years now involve a lot of travel and time away from the computer. For the past three months I’ve been itching like crazy to write, and living for the beginning of July, when I could just come home and write my heart out – and now, at last, the magical time has arrived!

It’s taken a great deal of effort – and long-postponed hopes too – to be able to say this: My time is now more or less my own.

Woohoo!!!

I’ve FINALLY paid off most of my old debts, including my car; reduced my living expenses by moving in with my honey, aka Thunder (who’s getting his own writing going over at Wolfesblog); and, but for about a week per month of work/travel for my old company, I can spend my time on my own writing projects (including a paid regular column I recently landed for an industry publication, and the historical novel I’ve mentioned previously), and afford to live well also – while saving up for my gulching plans with Thunder. Perhaps oddly, it’s a humbling feeling.

And, it’s hard to get used to!

Is this what it feels like to want something more than even you yourself know, and to strive for it even when you didn’t think it was possible, and then achieve it? It’s the feeling of being presented a bigger gift than I’m ready to deserve. The feeling that I still need to honor the gift by proving myself worthy of it.

I guess that’s because the gift in question is…freedom.

I kind of shiver when I say that. It’s hard to believe that I’ve really achieved the freedom I’ve wanted for so long.

This doesn’t mean that I get to lollygag around all day – heck, no! And I find that I don’t even want to. On the contrary, the creative tides are beginning to flow strongly, and more projects than I can manage are already clamoring for attention! Research for the novel, home improvement for T’s fixer-upper, new venues for submitting articles – it’s incredible and wonderful.

I’m really excited to read Claire Wolfe’s upcoming book about work-vs.-jobs (tentatively titled Your Work – Your Way) when it comes out. I think she’s made for herself long ago the kind of self-sustaining independence that we wannabe Outlaws yearn after. She’s set up her life so that she can afford to live (hey, I didn’t say it was an extravagant lifestyle…) by writing for whomever and about whatever she wishes. She’s also developed a very loyal following –without selling out her principles – because she’s so darn good at writing AND at choosing the topics she writes about. And that following helps to sustain her.

I’m certain that in the new book, she – none better – is going to articulate that rich experience of self-ownership. It’s what Gulchers and Outlaws pant after, “sweat equity” be damned. To own one’s time, one’s energy, one’s wealth, one’s land. To own them, and to enjoy sovereignty over their use.

Yeah, I know, this sounds like airheaded hooey in the wake of the Kelo decision and “Real ID.” “They” are telling us that we don’t own a damned thing anymore, not even our own biometric or financial data.

But…we DO own our lives, and our thoughts, and the integrity of our work, and our love, and the callings of our innermost hearts, and our time, and our choices, and our energy. No matter what “they” try to legislate, they can NEVER claim these things from us. And what’s more, they know it, and they’re afraid we’ll up and remember it one of these days. Gandhi remembered it. Rosa Parks remembered it. The young student in Tiananmen Square remembered it. But I got caught up in work, and financial worries, and heaven knows what else – and forgot.

I DO own my life. I have the right to live it as I choose, in the name of the best within me. I have the right to pursue my own values and to associate with those I cherish. I have the right to enjoy every sandwich (as Kirsten says) and every moment along the way.

I am free. For the first time ever, I am free and I know it. I never want to forget.

“It’s in every one of us

I just remembered

It’s like I’ve been sleepin’ for years…

I’m not awake as I could be

But my seein’s better

I can see through the tears

I’ve been realizin’ that I bought this ticket

And been watchin’ only half of the show…

But there are scenery and lights

And a cast of thousands

Who all know what I know

And it’s good that it’s so…”

–From “It’s In Everyone of Us” by David Pomerantz

Here’s to you members of the cast who’ve helped to show me the way – to those of you who can laugh with the joy of your knowing, even in the face of the encroaching insanity and its myriad minions.

And Happy Independence Day.

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Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

Atlas is shrugging again – and he is us! Tag – I’m it!

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. putrimalu  |  July 2, 2005 at 10:07 pm

    Great post! And good to have you posting again – your positive attitude and spirit is infectious!

    Reply
  • 2. outfoxed  |  July 4, 2005 at 11:53 am

    I’ve followed your postings on TCF and was moved to raise a glass for that very heartfelt entry. Please let there be more.–>

    Reply

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